LaOdE

2009-02-15T08:17:00.000-08:00

I don't want YOU to know, so I try to be strong.
I don't want YOU to think i miss YOU, i can't go on.
But that's how it is, and that's how it would be, because,
PRINCESS,
I love YOU,
I need YOU,
I miss YOU,
and without YOU, there's is just no me.

2007-12-14T09:34:00.000-08:00

i need new things to kill time!!!
saturday and sunday are off but i got no program at all...
not that i never ask people out but people just dont like going out with me...
and when people finally ask me out i always got things on....
god hate me until like that...
u deserve it man lim de ming....

so im now looking for online games to play...
i just continue playing maple again...
anyone cares to join me??? i guess not....
so anyone got nice game to intro please leave a tag ya.....

well i doubt anyone comes here anymore...
who will visit a blog that wont update at all de??
im fucking contracdicting myself....
i leave a post here hoping people will notice me....
but i know no one will come at all.....

how i wish someone will just shoot me in my head now...
fucking gay sia...
maybe i will end up like the guy who brought rifle out man...
then go orchard walk walk......
but i got no balls.........
shoot me........

2007-09-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

its been months since i had blogged....
i thought i would stop blogging le....
but i just felt so lonely now with no one to talk to....
well my birthday was on tuesday if u guys remember la...
but from what i seem only a few remembered....
whom i can count within the fingers of my two hands....
maybe i just dont click well with people....
everyone seem too busy to notice me....
and im dying for attention....
i should just wither and die off....
i never ask for much...
maybe just meeting up some friends for coffee thats all....
but no one does....
even on my birthday.....
im not a popular kid......
maybe if i hide somewhere and die quietly.....
no one will even notice im dead.....
off to die then..........

2007-04-15T22:52:00.000-07:00

plain white t
a lonely september

I'm sittin' here all by myself
just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anything
just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
'cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
to leave the rest of the world behind

Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did

I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
that you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
and the more I want you here with me
You know the holidays are coming up
I don't want to spend them alone
Memories of Christmas time with you
will just kill me if I'm on my own

Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back

I know it's not the smartest thing to do
we just can't seem to get it right
But what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight
One more chance tonight

I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration gone it's not getting me very far
I look around my room and everything I see reminds me of you
Oh please, baby won't you take my hand
we've got nothing left to prove

Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did

And I didn't mean to meet you then
we were just kids
And I didn't mean to give you chills
the way that I kiss
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back but I know you did
Don't say you didn't love me back 'cause you know you did
No, you didn't mean to love me back
But you did

this song totally remind me of her..
its been so long and im still thinking about it sometime..
i know i need to get over her to start anew but its not working at all..
argh.. lifes sucks....

2007-03-10T06:48:00.000-08:00

wooo~~ bought a new monitor today..
one word.... BIG......... haha..
19 inch.. flat screen.. not bad not bad..

i guess i must get use to no friends life again..
went down the IT fair alone.....
but who am i to complain right??
im not a popular kid anyway..
im just a loner.. and loners best friend is loneliness..
no one cares about loner anyway..

okok.. now my room abit more space then before.. haha..
not bad.. i like.. lolx..
going to start work soon at my attachment place again..
waiting for call now.. haha..

well guess that all i got to say..
go liao.. bye blog..

2007-03-03T02:50:00.000-08:00

some jokes from irc i found online.. haha..

[Mikkel] If you went camping and you got REALLY drunk with your friend and you woke up the next morning with a condom stuck up your ass would you tell anybody?
[Celestya] i dont think so
[Mikkel] Wanna go camping?

-[Conroy_Bumpus]- OH FUCK ME
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- I FORGOT TO PICK UP MY 7 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER FROM SOCCER PRACTICE
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- 9 HOURS AGO
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- HOLY SHIT
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- BYE

[Sigurd] a sprite is anything not static
[SRElysian] a sprite is a variable object
[SRElysian] be it 2d or 3d
[TorMuck] a sprite is a fucking soda
[TorMuck] you god damn geekass bastards

[MortalKombat] stfu mat|t u cu.nt
* Acaila sets mode: +b MortalKombat!*@*
[@Acaila] FINISH HIM
[mat|t] rofl
[MortalKombat] omg wtf man
* MortalKombat was kicked by Acaila (forward, forward, back, back, forward, punch)
[@Acaila] FATALITY!

Jakefeb3: do you know a turtles only weakness?
AvatarOfSolusek: no
AvatarOfSolusek: well
AvatarOfSolusek: thier slowness
Jakefeb3: there weakness is they cant roll over when they are on their backs
AvatarOfSolusek: lol
Jakefeb3: now i have a plan
Jakefeb3: if i duck tape 2 turtles together they are unstoppable

[Quake-Hat] brad, your mom is fine as shit
[Quake-Hat] i think i will masturbate to her while i play with my balls
[bad_brad] brad had to go blow his nose, but thanks for the compliment, i will be calling your mother
[Quake-Hat] Jesus-fucking christ!!!

[cassius_clay13] so I was with my friend bryan the other night in a bar
[cassius_clay13] well he got really drunk and said he was gonna puke
[cassius_clay13] so i helped him walk to the toilet
[cassius_clay13] all the stalls were occupied
[emoti_conartist] lol
[cassius_clay13] bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy
[cassius_clay13] so he FUCKing KICKS one of the stall doors open
[cassius_clay13] and there's this guy in there taking a shit
[emoti_conartist] hahahahahaha
[cassius_clay13] and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM
[cassius_clay13] then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh shit... if i were taking a shit and someone came in and was sick all over me, i'd want to fuck him up... so i'd better hit him first'
[cassius_clay13] so he fucking SMACKS this guy in the face
[cassius_clay13] and runs away
[cassius_clay13] imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT EVER

[Ich] I have passed the transitional stage of internet geekhood
[Ich] I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the code for plums, which is 4040.
[Ich] and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in wrong.
[Ich] and the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404"
[Ich] and I actually laughed out loud

[Raize] can you guys see what I type?
[vecna] no, raize
[Raize] How do I set it up so you can see it?

gentoogod: omg dude
gentoogod: today i might the stupidest 3 people i ever met
gentoogod: thier 3 brains combined couldnt solve the dilemma they faced today
siral21: what was it
gentoogod: ok before i say this
gentoogod: 100% true, not one second of a lie
gentoogod: this lady went into mcdonalds today and ordered a big mac for her
gentoogod: and ordered 2 mcgrittles one for each kid. one had bacon one without
gentoogod: her sons are around 18 or 19 so not infants
gentoogod: she went to the counter furious cause the son that wanted bacon has no bacon on his and the one that didnt want bacon has bacon on his
gentoogod: i fell on the floor beside her and couldnt stop laughing
gentoogod: so i finally stood up and asked her to repeat, thinking maybe shes drunk
gentoogod: i swear to god she looked at me straight faced and repeated it. and her 2 sons were beside her mad that they didnt get the order they wanted

[ikkenai] i don't have hard drives. i just keep 30 chinese teenagers in my basement and force them to memorize numbers

[BlackDeth] i like stalked this girl sorta
[BlackDeth] like once she asked me for a ride home from work
[BlackDeth] and i took her home... i dropped her off at her house
[BlackDeth] and shes like... wait a minute..how did you know where i lived?

[blazemore] LITTLETON, Colo. - Colorado officials plan to try a 15-year-old boy as an adult for allegedly offering a Sony PlayStation to have his aunt killed.
[FlipTopBx] is it modded?

[+kritical] christin: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..
[+Christin1] how do i do that

[reuben] somebody keeps jiggling the doorknob on my front door, then running away
[reuben] i don't know if i should call the police, or hook up some electricity to the doorknob
[cristobal] why don't you put ice on the stairs
[cristobal] and heat up the door knob
[cristobal] and swing paint buckets down from your two story foyer
[cristobal] then a few years later, fade from the public eye.....

[drmason] there was this one time I was wanking to porn...
[drmason] ... I kept a javascript tutorial open in another window so my parents didn't start wondering why I was always on the desktop with no windows showing
[drmason] so I'm just about to splurge when I suddenly hear my dad coming up the stairs
[drmason] alt-tabbed to the other window and tried to pull my boxers up... computer stalled JUST THEN as my dad was opening the door
[drmason] I just stood up and was like "fuck... dad this honestly isn't what it looks like"
[drmason] and he glanced at the screen and said "I sure hope so because it looks like you're masturbating to a fucking javascript tutorial

[Kazz] Do vampires have anuses? Cause that's why I wouldn't let this kid invade a vampire's anus in this RPG, right, I was GMing, and his character was an Anus Shade, with the power to possess and control the anuses of people and animals.. and I figured that vampires don't have anuses.
[Zaratustra] a vampire's anus is present, but non-working.
[Zaratustra] like a network card without the appropriate driver.
[Kazz] Wow. You're the biggest dork on Earth.
[Sharkey] And you're DMing an rpg with Anus Shades.

[blazemore] omg i love this song
[blazemore] Now playing: Unknown Artist - Track 2 @ 128 Kbps. (0:47/3:24)
[Javi] blazemore: yeah, that's a bad ass song

[Nori123] You don't know jack shit
[VioletSky] That's not true, I know him well
[Nori123] Haha
[VioletSky] I'm serious
[VioletSky] Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children
[VioletSky] Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
[VioletSky] However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
[VioletSky] She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
[VioletSky] Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
[VioletSky]>The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
[VioletSky] Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
[VioletSky] So there.
[FiPo] LOL
[Nori123] I have actually chortled coke through my nose

[green] We vegetarians love the environment. carnivores are sick freaks.
[Frank] How can vegetarians possibly love the environment.. you keep eating all the fucking plants

[samsim] I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo
[samsim] and got mauled
[samsim] and people were talking about how there should have been better defences put up to prevent people getting into the cage
[samsim] a friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent
[samsim] for example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in

* Quits: crag-- (crag@202.154.72.136) (Dead girls dont say no)
* Quits: KiM (KiM@134.115.157.196) (going for a walk )
[@ShowDowN] that is sick
[@ShowDowN] we should ban him next time he comes in
[@nekro] yeah, who the hell goes for walks

[Toller] hey jaimer
[jaimer] hey
[Toller] i loves you sweet ass, baby
[jaimer] excuse me?
[Toller] we gonna get together an fuck tonight
[Toller] right?
[jaimer] You stupid shit
[Toller] ?
[Toller] What?
[jaimer] This is toby johnson, right
[Toller] you know it is, duh.
[jaimer] I'm doing tech support on Jamie's computer
[jaimer] I'm her father, you little shit
[Toller] hah!
[Toller] what's
[Toller] your joking right/
[jaimer] I am. I know where you live. I'm coming over to your house now. Don't try to run, I'll find you.
[Toller] Jamie, it's not funny
[Toller] Jaime?
[psmylie] You're screwed, dude. Her dad's psycho
[Toller] fuck
[Toller] FUCK!
[psmylie] best run, boy
*** Toller has quit IRC (Quit: )
[psmylie] You're an evil bitch, Jamie.
[jaimer] lol
[psmylie] brilliant... but evil
[jaimer] he's an asshole anyways

mdiym42: note to self
mdiym42: make sure your cat is not sleeping in the bass drum before you start playing them

Phoenix> Dude, wanna hear a fucked up story?
Phoenix> So, Im at the usual weekend frat parties and i've been talking to this girl for the majority of the night.
Phoenix> Anyway I ended up going back with her to her dorm. About another 8shots later, we end up fooling around on her bed.
Phoenix> So about 10min's into her giving me head, I had to drop the fattest shit in my life.
Phoenix> All my meals were followed by 3tsp of metamucil so I could get lots of fiber in me to combat the carbs a litte. Anyway im holdin my #2 in and finally it goes away. We both end up passing out on her bed, she's butt naked and im in my boxers.
Phoenix> I wake up to piss and I find myself covered in shit. It was all over the bed,sheets,etc.... Im freakin out so I did the most horrible thing in the world.
Phoenix> She's sleeping with her back towards me, so I take my boxers off, scoop up some shit and gently smear it on the inside of her butt, her lower back, and a little on the back of her hammies.
Phoenix> I get dressed and leave... This poor girl is gonna think she did it. I didnt know what else to do though. I have no clue what im gonna do when I end up running into her.

[tumult] well that was like the coolest class period i've ever had
[lasombra] tumult ?
[tumult] this kid asks me for a dollar so he can get something from a vending machine
[tumult] i tell him i don't have one (truth)
[tumult] he says bullshit
[tumult] i tell him to piss off
[tumult] he stands up and punches me in the face three times
[tumult] sits back down
[tumult] teacher doesn't notice/care
[tumult] so blood is pouring out onto my desk
[tumult] from my lip
[tumult] i turn to the girl next to me and say
[tumult] "hey, can i use one of the tissues jammed into your bra?"
[zyko^] what did she do?
[tumult] punched me in the face

[Tsk] oiuyniyu98h987h89yh87y98yjn987j987y897yhkiuk;''''
[Tsk] sorry.. there was a spider on my keyboard.

*********** Diana Ross' husband died
[Tarrier] how
[Casey8] fell while climbing in South Africa or something
[JennAway] that's sad
[Bubbaprog] i guess there is a mountain high enough*********

[beser] Today my History class took a feild trip to the Museum of Tolerance. Its a museum showing kids not to be prejudice and all that good stuff.
[beser] Anyways, one exhibit is two doors next to each other. One door has a sign hanging over it saying "Those with prejudice walk through this door" The other door's sign said "Those without prejudice walk through this door". Obviously the door for people without prejudice isn't openable because as the tour guide says "Everyone has prejudice".
[beser] So, I start tugging on the door and say "What the hell is wrong with this damn door, did some damn Jew make this?" and the tour guide kicked me out and i had to sit in the bus for 15 minutes

[@AntiHeiss] friend of mine went to jail last night
[@AntiHeiss] he probably isn't getting out for a while
[%The_Coolest] y?
[+Enyo] why?
[%The_Coolest]
[@AntiHeiss] it was a girl cop, she was pretty cute too
[@AntiHeiss] she said anything you say can and will be held against you....he sat there for a while and said 'tits'

[evilada]: Best suicide plan ever
[mcm310]: what is it?
[evilada]: you go up to the top of a roof
[evilada]: string piano wire tight across the front edge at neck level
[evilada]: tie a cord to your foot and the other end to the building so that you'll be above sidewalk level when its fully stretched
[evilada]: then you put super glue on your hands
[evilada]: and put your arms around the front of the wire and then back to touch your head
[evilada]: then you lean forward, so the piano wire cuts your neck but not your elbows
[evilada]: when the cord goes taut, youll be hanging upside down with no head....except your head will be in your outstretched arms thanks to gravity and the glue, staring at someone upside down and spewing blood everywhere.
[evilada]: And some poor bastard will be traumatized for LIFE.
[mcm310]: i dont think i can be your friend anymore

[Tedward] so there's this pimp right. he's collecting money from his three ho's.
[Tedward] he goes to the first ho and asks for his $100. she says, "But I only owe you $50!"
[Tedward] he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
[Tedward] he asks the next ho for $150. she says, "But I only owe you $100!"
[Tedward] he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
[Tedward] now he goes to his third ho.
[Tedward] he asks for $200. "but I only owe you $150!"
[Tedward] he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
[Tedward] next he visits the fourth ho.
[Tedward] he asks her for his $250.
[Thy_Dungeonman] hold on, wait a sec
[Tedward] what?
[Thy_Dungeonman] you said three ho's, not four. idioth.
*Tedward slaps Thy_Dungeonman
[Tedward] Don't correct me, bitch.

[splosh123] Just a question if anyone knows... How many wind power mill things do you need to power... say... Brisbane
[dazzawul] thousands
[dazzawul] and they will be noisy
[dazzawul] and push australia to the west

[ZombieKing] best way to get rid of a client with dial-up, told them to install service pack 2 and call back

[ComputerNap] if you burn something at a lower speed, it doesn't read slower, does it?

[nyk] i need a floppy disc, anyone know where I can get one this late?
[Vulcan] walmart maybe, its open 24 hours.
[Jordan_M] i know some mexicans that are hardcore tech guys that could get you a floppy disc
[nyk] so you both say walmart?

[Ninja_P] Okay, I just watched a guy puke in a glass, then drink it again
[DragonAtma] Congratulations, you now know how congress operates.

[BeaVer] why does my wife have to work nights
[BeaVer] :/
[broken] because the milkman's wife works days
[BeaVer] true
[BeaVer] but all the strippers work at night as well
[broken] hence the balance in the universe

[sd] I was once trying to explain to an exec why his account would never be absolutely secure.
[sd] Me: "If somebody wants your account information badly enough, he's going to get it. He doesn't have to hack the system, he can just get it from you."
[sd] Exec: "That's crazy, I'd never give anyone my password."
[sd] Me: "Imagine you come home and find someone's broken in. He's got a gun to your daughter's head, and he tells you he's going to shoot in ten seconds if you don't give him your password. What would you do?"
[sd] Exec: [long pause] ... Which daughter?
[sd] To this day I still don't know if he was joking. But I no longer use that example.

[fabz] I think we need to work on our communication.. one guy is talking crap, one just goes "lol" and the other one doesn't understand what's going on
[atsleek] lol
[Nefemus] what?

#6460 (1847/3805)
[studdud] what the fuck is wtf

[@manero] this song sounds like a fucking fire alarm
[@manero] BEEEEEEEEEEEEE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BEEEEEEEEEEE BEEEEEEEEEEE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
[@manero] oh shit
[@manero] IT IS THE FIRE ALARM
[@manero] hahah fuck me bbrk

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[pigeon-mirk] davey made that avatar for me, i am eternally in his bed
[pigeon-mirk] debt
[pigeon-mirk] DEBT!

2007-02-26T07:24:00.000-08:00

sorry people im back..
FYP over and now im slacking..
wooooo..
lifes the same suck as ever...

getting a PSP soon hopefully..
need to get a job...
someone help me write a resume???
haha..
lazy as ever..

nothing much happen..
nothing to blog about..
nothing going to happen..
nothing is what im going to be..
nothing......

ciao people..

2007-01-29T09:19:00.000-08:00

project deadline is nearing..
but motivation level is still zero..
sometime i really hate myself because of this..
everyone else is moving on with their life..
wake the hell up deming..
move on.. u cant struck here in ur comfy zone always..
t(-_-t) deming!!

everyone else got a dream or target to work to after grad..
but i really dont know what to do after grad..
im just a good for nothing lowlife who eat sleep drink spend money on useless comic waste time on useless games spend most of my time awake on the computer doing nothing..
i simply hate myself..
my dad hate me too.. we hardly spoke one word to each other since God knows when..
t(-_-t) deming!!

i thought i can make someone happy..
but in the end just making people feel irratied with me..
t(-_-t) deming!!

so what the use of having me here??
damn it.....
t(-_-t) deming!!

2007-01-20T11:00:00.000-08:00

woohoo bei ma le.. haha..
sorry people no mood to blog la last few weeks..
actually no mood for anything la..
project games tv sleep even eat also no mood..
i really need to get a meaning for living soon..
im leading a very boring and sad life now..

recently went for the NS checkup..
got into PES C lo..
heard its easy stuff but cross my fingers la..
army life getting nearer haha..
hope i die inside or something at least not as boring now..

20 days left for my FYP..
not yet done my project..
im so dead.. haha..
but cant pull my partner down with me la..
work deming work!!!

oh well re-reading the "tuesday with Morries"..
hope to get something out of it again..
maybe a meaning for life is good..

oh ya post more other time la..
no mood to to write anything else..
ciao people..

2006-12-19T16:55:00.000-08:00

finally after two long long days of rain..
the sun finally is out and this is the first time i actually misses the sun..
and my friends blame me for the rain saying i was the the one to ask for rain to cry in..
but its not my fault la its the stupid korean singer rain lo..
why of all names choose rain huh??
see now rained for two days liao cause hes coming to town..
stupid name la!! =X
if there are any rain supporter here sorry wor just wanna push the blame to someone.. =P

ok back to my project part..
i havent been doing anything since last week but msn and playing game..
guilty guilty guilty...
someone force me do my project can??
lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy..
haha lazy more than guilty..
somebody save me~~~~

also quite busy this whole week..
meeting up the secondary dudes and getting christmas stuffs and the bbq next monday..
still havent get the gift exchange and few other presents..
gonna have a big big hole in my wallet..

okok christmas in a few days time..
hope everyone happy..
ciao..

2006-12-12T17:12:00.000-08:00

good morning people..
damn sleepy nowsaday always cant sleep at night..
always turn here turn there till 3+ then can sleep and wake up at 7..
dont know why and some more this few months always got news about people dying in their sleep..
report say because of over work or something then my mum keep nagging me to sleep early and use less computer and stuff..
its not like i dont want sleep ma just cant sleep ma..

then yesterday went orchard with some of the classmate..
then so qiao saw priscilla a secondary school friend there..
its like two or three years never see her le..
also recently chatted with another secondary school friend amelia..
also pretty long never see de..
at least seem like they never forget me la..
and i thought im those people that are easily forgotten kind by people....

some more yesterday on the way home on the train..
wasnt holding the bar ma..
then suddenly lost my balance then reach out to hold the bar..
but miss and touch the da tui of the girl standing by the thing..
so paiseh la and said sorry..
hope she dont think i prevert or what la..
wah lau paiseh.....

2006-12-08T07:00:00.000-08:00

just back from chomp chomp..
mood just aint getting any better..
well jason joined us today for chomp chomp..
hes stress from his project..
somehow i wish im him..
at least my mind wont wander away but concentrate on the project..

just now over there i knew i was full..
yet i wanna eat more..
maybe hoping i get choked to death or something ba..

andy sq should be out with the other guys now..
hope to have fun with them too..
but im wasnt invited la as im not with that click of friends also..
well maybe staying here is better..
later i spoil their mood with my lousy mood..

dont know what the hell im talking too..
just hoping it will rain now....

2006-12-06T16:53:00.000-08:00

mood never get any better..
still the same..

yesterday was too tired to type anything..
somehow slacking and gaming take alot out of me..
now still damn tired too..
and i hoping to finish my work by today....

yesterday ben call us go eat at clark quay..
broke again and somemore ben end up late for almost 2 hour or so..
after that went rounding in ben car..
then go home le..

yesterday on the bus to school then realise that i forgot bring fiona's present out..
lucky my mum still at home and free to help me posted it..

spent quite alot money this week le..
still got alot things wanna buy..
and christmas is coming and need to get present le..
and i dont think my last month attachment money in le lo..
how the hell are they taking so long??
if havent come in by this endweek i going back the company complain le..

2006-12-05T05:52:00.000-08:00

somehow i cried yesterday..
its been a really really long time since i last cried..
i really dont know what the hell i cried for..
dont know why but i feel very relax after crying..
sometime ago i read a story i think from email..
its about a couple where the girl alway like to stand in the rain..
and the boy never know why and never ask why..
finally when they broke up the boy ask the girl why..
the girl replied she like to stand in the rain so the guy would not notice that she is crying..
thus my nickin msn..
it was a really beautiful story but i forgot most of it..

well today pretty much the same..
java code abit and slack the rest of the time..
andy and ben came visit and wanted to have dinner together..
yet again no one else want to join us so ended up going home....
what sad life we have??

now i realise posting something can be very expensive..
even the box and "bubble wrap" cost money..
going down post office again tomorrow to post fiona's present..
after i figure out a way to wrap the thing up so it wont break..

here something i took from a anime i saw just last week..
about memories about something..
very meaningful to me..
hope u all like it too..
abit hard to understand as it is sudded from some japanese anime..
No matter what memory it is..
I want to keep it in my heart, as I live on believing..
Because I want to believe there is no such memory that you can just forget..
So that someday..
Someday I may become myself who wouldn't lose..
And the someday I'll overcome it..
So it can be a precious memory..
I believe it..

i guess i will be blogging more now..
got too much free time now at home too..
and the best way to keep something out of my head is to do something else....

2006-12-04T06:59:00.000-08:00

hi people..
first week of fyp gone..
and damn something big had happen..
not gonna say it here la..
cant say too..
but how the hell did it happen..
man i really dont understand that person a single bit..
not even a little....
all i can do now is pray for that person now..
and linda my nuer feeling sad too..
because of some stupid guy too..
hope she get over it soon..
not a good week huh??
i wonder what going to happen this week...

well at least it started alright today..
had a short meeting with linda and zena both my nuer..
they are really pretty..
unlike me so ugly..
really nice to meet them..
kind of cheer up at the end of the day because of them..
really thank u two..
xie xie ni men...
zhen de xie xie ni men..

2006-10-30T19:28:00.000-08:00

LIBRA MAN
A man who has no balance like his Zodiac symbol. He is not the gentle, cool , calm and charming guy like what you see. He has another dark side of aggression, stubborn and he likes to start an argument the most. Sometimes he can be so depress and unstable. Up and down like he is trying to balance himself most of the time. To many people, he is a friendly guy and always smile even when he is mad or up set. His voice always gentle and calm. he always set and comb his hair as if he comes out from a shampoo advertisement. Mostly Libra men are good looking, even the ugly one is charming. When he smiles, it is so bright that the whole world is smiling with him too. When he is in a balance mood, he is the type of person you want to be with. In other unbalancing mood, he likes to make people argue about something and watching it with fascination and fun. He will wait to be the one who compromise and clear thing up. He likes to be in a conflicting conversation. Libra man is lazy by nature. After his tired day at work, he likes to sit still and just look out of the window or read quietly. He likes to be in his own world. After recharging his battery, he will be very energetic again and may even take you out that night. Libra man normally will not do any shocking or abnormal things to be noticed. He likes to be conformed with his crowd, but if you watch him carefully, you will see the different. If he wear a shirt, it will have to be a zipper front instead of buttons, or a special tie bar. There is always something in him that he will not allow totally conformity to take him over. A straight forward , no non-sense guy. He is careful and delicate in details. He will spent extra time to doing it right, than comes back to correct them later. He hates people who boost, or exaggerate. He does not like over dressed woman or make herself a center of an attention. He loves to read. He loves poems and loves art. When he works he can work like crazy, but after work he can turn on romantic jazzy music and treat you so gently. He loves to give people advice and normally give a good advice. If you fall for him, you will stay like being trapped in a spider web. If you want to break up with him, he will persuade you a zillion ways to stay and you can not stop him anyway. After he persuade you to stay, or after a big fight, he will be so sweet to you as if he has never hurt your feeling before ever. He will has his own way to win a girl love and affection. Once she says yes, he will lay back and wonder if he should go on or if he should back out. In his teen, he changed many girl friends because he can not clearly separate loving a friend and loving a girl friend. He will check and re-cheek if his match is suitable and compatible with him. Even he is a romantic man, he can hardly understand the emotion of the one he loves. He is a generous guy even he sets his life so systematically. He never knows when he makes you unhappy. He never knows how he up set you. He will never knows what he said wrong. If he is your lover, be prepare for this. A not so pretty girl with no brain is not his type of woman. If you are not pretty enough, he will not mind talking to you but he does not care to get to know you. Any girls, pretty or ugly can ask for his help, he will be happy to help. He hates to argue by yelling at each other, so you tend to see he argue with his girl friend seriously but try at best to be very quiet. He likes to have a girl friend by getting to know each other like a friend first. If you want him, you have to like the same thing he does. He prefers a pretty and gentle woman than a smart and ugly woman. You have to understand his mood especially he can has many different moods. He is a private person, so when he needs to be alone better let him be.

2006-10-12T19:27:00.000-07:00

yos..
man i forgot my own blog..
wth.. i was blog surfing around until i come to my own blog..
then i wan thinking - hey.. this look familiar.. whose this ar?
then i finally remember its mine.. -_-"
cool huh.. i forgot my blog.. lolx..

okok.. enough crap..
life still suck.. esp working on sat sun..
whole company only me to look after.. sian..
10 to 7 somemore.. ROAR!!!!
last 4 weeks ok la.. got my birthday.. mooncake fes..
quite alot of thing happened..
also was sad over something..
cant be sad anymore.. life must go on right??

sorry all those that tag me..
thank for your concern.. i will try and blog more ok..

life must still go on even if it suck

2006-09-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

yos..
1 week down for my attachment..
n 11 more week to go..
pretty got used to it..
easy job working like a clerk..
but i really tink i look like a moron wearing formal n photocopying stuff the whole day..
everyone seem happy that its weekend now..
but somehow i just feel down..
i duno y but just down..
like everything black or white to mi..
how i wish there more colour in my life..
please dont give mi hope n take it away later can..
damn i hate that..
even though im used to it..
but it still hurt ok..
life suck...
ciao

2006-09-01T08:14:00.000-07:00

yup.. back..
boring..
2 more days before the big day..
ATTACHMENT!!!
hope its simple stuff..
*pray pray
exam over quite awhile le..
hope can pass everything..
*pray more
haha..

2006-08-23T06:08:00.000-07:00

yo..
finally left 1 more paper on fri n tat it!!
woo~~
haha..
boring..
slpy everyday..
so tired sia..
yawn...

2006-07-30T09:51:00.000-07:00

It had been raining for more than a week, so much rain it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. She called and said she was coming up. It was the third time she came up to see me that week. I carried her excuse of why she came all the way here and went to meet her at the nearby seven-eleven. She was standing there alone, carrying her red umbrella. Her friend had dropped her off. It was raining and she was shivering. She looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm.

I walked up to her and said, "You shouldn't come see me anymore," and stuff like how we shouldn't be together.
She said, "I miss you."
I told her coldly, "Lets go, I'll take you home."
She did not open up her umbrella, I knew she wanted to share mine.
I said, "Open up your umbrella, let's go."

Unwillingly, She opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car. She said she hadn't eat lunch or dinner and asked if we could stop at some place to eat.

Right away I answered with a stoned heart, "No!"
Disappointed, she asked me to take her to the train station, she said she would take the train back home.

Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. We waited and waited, she looked at me innocently. Being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. I understand how she must feel when she came all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat her like this. With her soft eyes staring at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let her stay for the night.

But reality struck again, I said to her coldly, "Let's go try the other train station."

We were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. Back then there were four of us, and we got along well. We would always eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping. We were more like a family, but I didn't know I would end up falling in love with the only girl of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of college, having living together for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. After she graduated she went back home, and I stayed for one more year to finish school. During that year I was only able to take the train down to see her on holidays, but never for long. That was how we kept the treasured relationship.

We were walking along the side of the road. She was in front of me and I was right behind her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. Many times, she was too into thinking or whatever she was doing, drifting off the road, she almost got hit by the cars passing by. I wanted to just take her in my arms, but with the love I had for her and the constant pain in my stomach, I did nothing. On the way, we passed by the park where we use to always go.

She begged and said, "Lets go in the park just for a little while please, I promise I'll go home right after this."

With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up an annoyed face and walked in the park. I was just sitting on the benches looking like I wanted to leave. She went to the big oak tree and she was looking for something. I knew she was looking for what we wrote on that tree with a silver ink pen half a year ago. If I remember it right, it said, "Chris and Susan was here, Chris had tea and Susan was drinking hot chocolate. Hope Chris and Susan would always remember this day, always loving each other, forever." She was looking around for quite a while, then she came back slowly with tears on her face.

She said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not there anymore."
I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I've never felt before. But all I could do was pretend I didn't care, and said, "Can we go now?"
I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just standing there, didn't want to leave yet, hoping there was still a chance. She said, "You made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate you sometimes, but I'll change, can't we start over?"

I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook my head. After that we just kept on walking towards the train station, didn't say a word to each other.

Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early, so it was still curable. Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal life again, and even forgot about the cancer. I didn't think about the cancer again and did not go back to the doctor. Until a month ago, my stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare awakened me again. First I thought the pain would go away, but it grew stronger until to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray. The picture came out and there was a big black spot, which proved the truth that I did not want to believe. I was at the most glittering part of my life, but it was coming to an end. I wanted myself and the people around me to go through the least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide. But I couldn't let people find out about my intentions, especially Susan, the person I love the most in this whole world, who still doesn't know about the truth. Susan was still young, she shouldn't have to go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel thing to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out three years's feelings. I didn't have much time, because I would soon start to loose hair and she would find out eventually. But now I'm close to succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come to an end, that was what I had in mind.

The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We were just standing there, waiting, loosing our last moments in silence.

I saw the taxi from far away, I held my tears and said to her, "Take care of yourself, take good care of yourself."

She didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out in the rain, we became two single life forms, one red, one black, so far away from each other. I opened the door for her and she got in, then I close the gate that would separate me from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in the dark window, at the first love in my life, also the last one, walking out of my life. The car started, driving into the street. Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow and the twist in my heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after the taxi, because I knew, this would be the last time I see her. I wanted to tell her I still love her, I wanted to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell her so much, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down my face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold, not because of the rain. I was cold inside.

She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone calls even until today. I know she didn't see my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets. But I'm not Chris, I'm that girl Susan, using my memory, and his diary I found after one year since he left, writing down these last words.

2006-07-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

sometime i really wish i hav a gf..
someone nice, caring, understanding n alwae there..
( i tink all guys wish de same.. haha.. )
im alwae lazy so she can alwae remind mi to do work..
haha..
who m i going to kid??
dream on..
no gals in the right state of mind would like mi..
haha..
im just a big fat old ugly guy who is scared of being alone..
who would like mi??
haha..

2006-07-22T01:10:00.000-07:00

boring boring..
maple now damn boring..
well..
starting next wk got 4 common test paper..
n 3 lab test coming..
somebody save me~~~
argh.....
sian sian..
tink go do homework le la n some studying...
*shake head*
why must have tests???!!!!

2006-07-20T10:55:00.000-07:00

yup yup..
blog's back...
new skin~~
well.. juz edited my old skin la..
haha..
sian la sian....
next wk got common test liao...
hope to get thru tis sem too..
pray ar pray...
dun wan put tag board le la..
alwae no ppl tag den expired... -__-"
haha..
kk.. go slp le la.. tml class at 10..
or shld i sae todae?? o_O
anyting la.. bb ppl..

2006-04-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

A boy walked into a CD store and saw a girl behind the counter.

She smiled and he thought it was the most beautiful smile he has ever seen before and wanted to kiss her right there.

He said "Uh... Yeah... Umm... I would like to buy a CD." He picked one out and gave her money for it.

"Would you like me to wrap it for you?" she asked, smiling her cute smile again.

He nodded and she went to the back.

She came back with the wrapped CD and gave it to him. He took it and walked out of the store. He went home and from then on, he went to that store everyday and bought a CD, and she wrapped it for him. He took the CD home and put it in his closet. He was still too shy to ask her out and he really wanted to but he couldn't. His mother found out about this and told him to just ask her.

So the next day, he took all his courage and went to the store. He bought a CD like he did
everyday and once again she went to the back of the store and came back with it
wrapped. He took it and when she wasn't looking, he left his phone number on the desk and ran out...

!!!RRRRRING!!!

The mother picked up the phone and said, "Hello?"

It was the girl!!! She asked for the boy and the mother started to cry and said, "You don't
know? He passed away yesterday...

" The line was quiet except for the cries of the boy's mother. Later in the day. The mother
went into the boy's room because she wanted to remember him. She thought she
would start by looking at his clothes. So she opened the closet. She was face to face with piles and piles and piles of unopened CDs. She was surprised to find all those CDs and she
picked one up and sat down on the bed and she started to open one.

Inside, there was a CD and as she took it out of the wrapper, out fell a piece of paper. The
mother picked it up and started to read it.

It said: Hi... I think you are really cute. Do you wanna go out with me? Love, Jacelyn

The mother opened another CD...

Again there was a piece of paper. It said: Hi... I think you are really cute. Do you wanna go out
with me? Love, Jacelyn

2006-03-20T01:41:00.000-08:00

They have been married for two years. He loves literature and often posts his work on the net, but nobody ever reads them. He is also into photography and he handles their wedding photos. He loves her very much. Likewise with her. She has a quick temper and always bullies him. He is a gentleman and always gives in to her.

Today, she's being willful again.

Her: "Why can't you be the photographer for my friend's wedding? She promised she'd pay."

Him: "I don't have time that day."

Her: "Humph!"
Him: "Huh?"
Her: "Don't have time? Write less of those novels, and you will have all the time you need."
Him: "I... someone will definitely recognize my work some day."
Her: "Humph! I don't care, you'll have to do it for her!"
Him: "No."
Her: "Just this once?"
Him: "No."

Negotiation's broken. So, she gave the final warning: "Give me a Yes within three days, or else..."

First day, she "withheld" the kitchen, bathroom, computer, refrigerator, television, hi-fi... Except the double bed, to show her "benevolence".

Of course, she has to sleep on it too. He didn't mind, as he still has some cash in his pockets.

Second day, she conducted a raid and removed everything from his pockets and warned, "Seek any external help, and you bear the consequences."

He's nervous now. That night, on the bed, he begs for mercy, hoping that she'll end this state. She doesn't give a damn. No way am I giving in, whatever he says. Until he agrees.

Third day, night. On the bed. He's lying on the bed, looking to one side. She's lying on the bed, looking to the other side.

Him: "We need to talk."
Her: "Unless it's about the wedding, forget it."
Him: "It's something very important."

She remains silent.

Him:"Let's get a divorce."
She did not believe her ears.
Him: "I got to know a girl."

She's totally angry, and wanted to hit him. But she held it down, wanting to let him finish. But her eyes already felt wet. He took a photo out from his chest. Probably from his undershirt pocket, that's the only place she didn't go through yesterday. How careless.

Him: "She's a nice girl."
Her tears fell.

Him: "She has a good personality too."
She's heartbroken because he puts a photo of some other girl close to his heart.
Him: "She says that she'll support me fully in my pursue for literature after we got married."

She's very jealous because she said the same thing in the past.
Him: "She loves me truly."
She wishes to sit up and scream at him "Don't I?"
Him: "So, I think she won't force me to do something that I don't want to do."

She's thinking, but the rage won't subside.
Him: "Want to take a look at the photo I took for her?"
Her: "...!"

He brings the photo before her eyes. She's in a total rage, hits his hand away and leaves a burning slap on his face.

He sighs. She cries.
He puts the photo back to his pocket. She pulls her hand back under the blanket.

He turns off the light, and sleeps. She turns on the light, and sits up. He's asleep. She lost sleep. She regrets treating him the way she treated him.

She cried again, and thought about a lot of things. She wants to wake him up. She wants to have a intimate talk with him. She doesn't want to push him anymore. She stares at his chest. She wants to see how the girl looks.

She slips the photo out. She wanted to cry and she wanted to laugh.

It's a nicely taken photo. A photo he took for her. She bends down, and kissed him on his cheek.

He smiled. He was just pretending to be asleep.

"You learn to love, not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

2006-03-13T09:07:00.000-08:00

Peter and Tina are sitting in the park doing nothing, but just gazing into the sky, while all their friends are having fun with their beloved half.
Tina: I'm so bored. Just wish I have a boyfriend now to spend time with.
Peter: I guess we're the only leftovers. We're the only person who isn't with a date now.
(both sigh n silence for a while)
Tina: I think I have a good idea. Lets play a game
Peter: Eh? What game?
Tina: Eem..It's quite simple. You be my boyfriend for 100 days and I'll be your girlfriend for 100 days. what do you think?
Peter: Oookay..Anyway I don't have any plan for the next few months.
Tina: You sound like you aren't looking forward to it at all. Cheer up. Today will be our first day and our first date. Where should we go?
Peter: What about a movie? I heard that there is a really great movie in theater now.
Tina: Seems like I don't have any better idea than this. Lets move. (went to watch their movies and sent each other home)

Day 2:
Peter and Tina went to a concert together, and Peter bought Tina a keychain with a star.

Day 3:
They went shopping together for a friend's birthday present. Share an ice-cream together and hugged each other for the first time.

Day 7:
Peter drove Tina up onto a mountain and they watch the sunset together. When the night came and the moon glowed, they said sat on the grass gazing at the stars together. A meteor passed by. Tina mumbled something.

Day 25:
Spend time at a themepark and got onto rollercoasters, and ate hotdogs and cotton candy. Peter and Tina got in the haunted house and Tina grabbed someone's hand instead of Peter's hand by accident. They laughed together
for a while.

Day 67:
They drove pass a circus and decided to get in to watch the show. The midget asked Tina to play a part as his assistant in the magic show. Went around to see other entertainments around after the show. Came to a fortune teller and she just said "Treasure every moment from now on" and a tear rolled down the fortune teller's cheek.

Day 84:
Tina suggested that they go to the beach. The beach wasn't so crowded that day. They have their first kiss with each other just as the sun is setting.

Day 99:
They decided to have a simple day and is deciding to have a walk around the city. They sits down onto a bench.

1:23 pm
Tina: I'm thirsty. Lets rest for a while first.
Peter: Wait here while I go buy some drinks. What would you like?
Tina: Eem...Apple juice will be just fine.

1:43 pm
Tina waiting for about 20 minutes and Peter havent return. Then someone walked up to her.
Stranger: Is your name Tina?
Tina: Yes, and may I help you?
Stranger: Just now down there on the street a drunk driver has crashed into a guy. I think its your friend.
Tina ran over to the spot with the stranger and sees Peter lying on the floor with blood over his face and her apple juice still in his hands. The ambulance came and she went to the hospital with Peter. Tina sat outside the emergency room for five and a half hours. The doctor came out, and he sigh.

11:51 pm
Doctor: I'm sorry, but we did the best we could. He is still breathing now but God would take him away from us very soon. We found this letter inside his pocket.

The doctor hands over the letter to Tina and she goes into the room to see Peter. He look weak but peaceful. Tina read the letter and then she burst into tears. Here is what the letter said.

Tina,
our 100 days is almost over. I had fun with you during all these days. Although you may be greedy sometimes and less thoughtful, but these all brought happiness into my life. I have realize that you are a really cute girl and blamed myself for never taken the time to knowing that. I have nothing much to ask for, but I just wish that we can extend the day. I want to be your boyfriend forever and wish that you can be beside me all the time. Tina, I love you.

11:58
Tina: (sobbing) Peter. Did you know what was the wish I made on the night there was a meteor. I asked God to let us last forever. We were suppose to last 100 days so Peter! You can't leave me! I LOVE YOU, but can you come back to
me now? I love you Peter. I LOVE YOU.

As the clock struck twelve, Peter's heart stopped beating. It was 100 days.

2006-03-02T02:53:00.000-08:00

He met her at a party. She was so outstanding, many guys chasing after her, while he was so normal, nobody paid attention to him.

At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised but due to being polite, she promised. They sat in a nice coffee shop, he was too nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, and she thought to herself, "Please, let me go home..."

Suddenly he asked the waiter, "Would you please give me some salt? I'd like to put it in my coffee." Everybody stared at him, so strange! His face turned red but still, he put the salt in his coffee and drank it. She asked him curiously, "Why you have this hobby?" He replied, "When I was a little boy, I lived near the sea, I liked playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the sea, just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my hometown so much, I miss my parents who are still living there." While saying that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched. That's his true feeling, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can tell out his homesickness, he must be a man who loves home, cares about home, has responsibility of home... Then she also started to speak, spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family.

That was a really nice talk, also a beautiful beginning of their story. They continued to date. She found that actually he was a man who meets all her demands; he had tolerance, was kind hearted, warm, careful. He was such a good person but she almost missed him! Thanks to his salty coffee! Then the story was just like every beautiful love story, the princess married to the prince, and then they were living the happy life... And, every time she made coffee for him, she put some salt in the coffee, as she knew that's the way he liked it.

After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter which said, "My dearest, please forgive me, forgive my whole life's lie. This was the only lie I said to you---the salty coffee. Remember the first time we dated? I was so nervous at that time, actually I wanted some sugar, but I said salt. It was hard for me to change so I just went ahead. I never thought that could be the start of our communication! I tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to lie to you for anything... Now I'm dying, I afraid of nothing so I tell you the truth, I don't like the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste... But I have had the salty coffee for my whole life! Since I knew you, I never feel sorry for anything I do for you. Having you with me is my biggest happiness for my whole life. If I can live for the second time, still want to know you and have you for my whole life, even though I have to drink the salty coffee again."

Her tears made the letter totally wet. Someday, someone asked her, "What's the taste of salty coffee?" She replied, "It's sweet."

2006-02-25T06:47:00.000-08:00

Tree
===
The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees. Overtime I start to use a tree on the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolors painting. I have dated 5 gals when I was in Pre-U. There's one gal who I love a lot but never dare go after her. She doesn't have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding charm. She is just a very ordinary gal.
I like her. I really like her. Like her innocent, like her frankness. Like her cuteness, like her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her. I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompany me for 3 years. She watch me chase after gals, and I have make her heart cry for 3 years.
She wants to be a good actress and I'm a very demanding director. When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smile & say "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes was swollen like a walnut. I purposely didn't want to think about what causes her to cry but laugh at her the whole day. When everybody go back home, she was alone crying in the classroom. She didn't know that I returned from soccer training to get something. I watch her cry for an hour or so.
My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type that will start off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes was filled shocked. I didn't care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laugh & joke with me like nothing has ever happened. I know that she's very hurt but she didn't know that my heart ache is as bad as hers.
When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I have something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she has something to tell me too. I told her about my break up and she told me about her getting together. I know whose the guy. He has been going after her for quite a while. A very cute guy full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her has been the talk of the school.
I can't show her my heart ache but could only smile & congratulate her. When I reach home, the heart ache is so strong that I can't stand it. It's like a heavy weighted stone on my chest. I couldn't breath. Wanted to shout but can't. Tears rolled down & I broke down & cry. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that doesn't acknowledge her presence too.
During graduation, I read a sms in my hp. It was send 10 days ago when I broke down and cry. I haven't read it since then. It says "Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay"

Leaf
===
During Pre-U days, I like to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree she has been relying on for so long it takes a lot of courage. During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms with a guy. Not BGR kind but as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. The sourness in the heart can't be describe by using a lemon. It's like 100 rotten sour lemon. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 mths. When they broke up, I hide my strong sense of happiness. But after a mth, he got together with another gal.
I like him & I know he like me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he love me why he doesn't want to make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. Time after time, my heart was hurt. I begin to suspect that this is a one sided love. If he don't like he, why does he treat me so well. It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I can know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can't expect me a gal to ask him right?
Despite that, I still want to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him. Hoping that one fine day, he will come & love me. It's like waiting for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I know that no matter how busy he is, he will make time for me. Because of this, I waited for him. The 3 years were the hardest to go through & I really want to give up. Sometimes, I wonder should I continue waiting. The pain and hurt, the dilemma accompany me for 3 years.
Till the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior begins to go after me. Everyday he pursuit me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a point in time when I felt that I'm willing to let him have a small footing in my heart. He's like a warm & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf away from the tree. In the end, I realized that I didn't want to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered leave far away & better land. Finally I left tree, but the tree only smile & didn't ask me to stay. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay

Wind
====
Because I like a gal called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was 1 mth after I transfer to the new school. I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends looking at him. When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like she likes to look at him.
One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amissed. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accept the note. The next day, she appeared & pass me a note and left.
Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away
It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree
I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within 4 mths, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope. Hoping that she will agree to me my girlfriend. I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked "what are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?" She said, "I'm nodding my head". "Ah?" I couldn't believe my ears. "I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her door bell. During the moment when she opens the door. I hugged her tightly. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay.

2006-02-12T22:57:00.000-08:00

yo~~ kinda sad now i guess.. so no life.. computer down again.. cant even reformat.. haha.. juz like mi ba.. a failure.. hp nv ring once for daes liao.. sad sad sad.. now den i realise im a nobody in everyone life.. somemore tml valentine dae sia.. more sad.. another yr alone.. hai.. 19th time alone.. real sad case.. haha.. i guess i will nv get the chance to enjoy valentine dae ba.. fated.. haha..

2006-01-13T10:16:00.000-08:00

Loving someone is never a burden, its how you take away all those burden from her and carry it on your own, and in your heart hoping she would be comfortable all the while..

2005-11-30T10:08:00.000-08:00

What makes life worth living is knowing that one day you'll wake up and find the person that makes you happier than anything in the whole world. So don't ever lose hope and give up, everything turns out okay and the good guy always wins.

tis sound so gd huh? but no.. e onli reason im still alive is to wait for dying...........

2005-11-16T08:52:00.000-08:00

Live this day as if it will be your last. Remember that you will only find ''tomorrow'' on the calendars of fools. Forget yesterday's defeats and ignore the problems of tomorrow. This is it. Doomsday. All you have. Make it the best day of your year. The saddest words you can ever utter are, ''If I had my life to live over again. ''

Take the baton, now. Run with it! This is your day! Beginning today, treat everyone you meet, friend or foe, loved one or stranger, as if they were going to be dead at midnight. Extend to each person, no matter how trivial the contact, all the care and kindness and understanding and love that you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.

tis is someting i dun believe in.. ppl alwae sae live ur life to e fullest.. but i will sae live it to its least.. if tis is the last dae of my life.. i will try to keep awae from every1 as much as i can.. seeing them would onli make leaving more painful.. aniwae i am sum1 hu nobody will rem even if i die now.. not a single person would even shed a tear for me.. i am juz a nobody........

2005-11-01T10:33:00.000-08:00

I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing.

2005-10-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.

2005-10-07T11:01:00.000-07:00

The Girl Said:

You see me walking the road with someone else, it's not because I like his accompany.
Its because you're not brave enough to walk beside me.

If you hear me talking about him all the time, it's not because he pleases me.
Its because you're too deaf to hear my heartbeat.

If you feel me falling with someone new, it's not because I love him.
But because you're not there to catch me fall.

If you feel lost, I too am nowhere, I too don't know where the road is going.
Are we gonna cross each other's path, or just completely turn around?
Will we just let go of what we had, or go to the place where love is bound?

Don't let me walk with him, it's you I want to walk with.
Don't let me talk of him, it's you I want to talk with.
Don't let me fall for him, it's you I want to fall in love with.

The Guy Replied:

When you thought I wasn't brave enough to walk beside you, I was behind you every step of the way.
Still filled with awe because of the beauty that stand before me.

When you thought I was too deaf to hear your heartbeat, I didn't want to assume anything.
And I was afraid to lose our friendship.

When you thought I wasn't there to catch you, It was because you never gave me the chance.
You never reached the bottom, you've already grabbed a branch.
If you feel like you are nowhere, I too am lost.

I too don't know where the road is going.
Are we just going to turn around, or are we gonna cross each other's path?
Will we just let go of what we had, or go to the place where love is bound?

Don't let me walk alone, I want to walk by your side.
Don't let me talk of something else, it's you I want to talk with.
Don't let me fall for someone else, it's you I want to fall in love with.

2005-09-18T22:35:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it oepns up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

2005-09-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

2005-09-06T08:11:00.000-07:00

did nuting much tis few dae but ms.. veri no life.. feeling of loneliness in e air.. haha.. come to tink of it.. i dun realli have ani true frenz.. as in those to tell my prob to n to relay on wenever im in trouble.. i noe frenz is like e one there for u alwae blah blah blah shit.. but i dun like to tell ppl my prob.. it like y add on to other ppl prob with ur own prob.. n i alwae feel tat no1 will understand mi.. tis is wat i hate abt myself.. all my prob pile up making mi feel like dying to run awae from them.. well i noe tis is e wrong wae to tink.. but however ting are.. i am me.. n i will alwae b me no matter wat.. tat e wae i am.. a loner alwae..

"Language has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone."
tat i onli use loneliness to descride myself..

2005-08-03T11:25:00.000-07:00

a story i realli like.. but pretty long.. hoped u all like it too..

I met her on the net, how? I can't remember. but it seems to me that it is this 'little theory' which I declared in the cyberspace that caught her attention.
If I have a million dollars, I would buy a house. do I have a million? No. That's why I don't have a house.
If I have wings, I can fly.
do I have wings? No. so I can never fly.
If all the waters are drawn out of Pacific Ocean, but it still can't put off the flame of love between us. Can all the waters of Pacific Ocean be drawn off? No. That's why I don't love you.
That's me, a typical science student.
First you come up with an assumption, then you fit a suitable conclusion. If the proposed assumption doesn't stand at all, then everything is just bullshit. I guess this is what they call 'unromantic'.
But she is an exception. she actually mailed me and said that I am an 'interesting' person. 'Interesting'? What a word to use on me, it's like using 'faithful' on Mr. Clinton. I thought this girl must be a low-IQ organism, or suffering from serious brain damage.
Anyway, her nick doesn't seems so bad -FLYINDANCE- that's quite a unique one. But I was warning myself: hello, this is the virtual world of Internet. who knows what might be lurking behind a beautiful nick. Talking from experience, most of the time it will be a 'dinosaur' in disguise. The only differences will be whether it is a carnivore or a herbivore but, I know she is way different from a 'dinosaur', she is special. So I guess its time for the appearance of FlyNDance.Ever since she mailed to tell me that I am 'interesting', I was always wishing to meet her in AJCRR. Too bad, lady luck was just not on my side. So I can only reply her letter to tell her that I will start to train myself to become an 'interesting' person, just to show that she is far-sighted. She replied my reply, I replied her reply to my reply, she again replied my reply to her reply blah blah blah... Oh no, I just started a chain-reaction. Actually what interested me the most is this paragraph she wrote in one of the mails.... 'I dance swiftly, amidst the crowd.
Your glance on me be it surprise, be it admiration, it ain't going to stop my rhythm.
Because it's not your glance that made me dance, it's my heart of youth.'
I simply cannot relate this girl to any of the 'dinosaurs'. But if she really is a dinosaur, I am willing to let her have her fill. Tye, my best pal unfortunately, noticed my little affair with FlyNDance, and has been perpetually warning me about this. "HELLO! You don't even know what she looks like, why take the risk?? Maybe 'she' is a guy!" I can't blame Tye for his ignorance. Ever since he was dumped by Sally in Secondary 4, he has become a renowned 'playboy'. As the saying goes: "Once bitten, Twice shy".
In this case, after Tye was bitten, he has mastered the art of skinning snakes alive, and make them into soup. But he got all the factors to be a playboy, I always think he is the 19 year-old version of Brad Pitt. Tall, handsome and got this tongue that causes diabetes in every women he targets. I don't think he can even remember how many girlfriends he has had. I went online that night, log onto channel AJCRR and yes!
She is there.
Before I can get over the surprise and the daze, she sent me a message. "Hey slorr, so late liao haven't sleep ah?"
Now what? Now what? Ok ok, I had to calm down first. I swallowed hard on my saliva, took a few deep breath. Now where is that Tye when I needed him most at such crucial moment, somebody to tell me what to say to her. How am I going to attract her with my pathetic humour which has gone stale. "Slorr, me in a foul mood today. Can't sleep, you leh?"
MOTHER'S (direct translation to chinese), what slorr slorr...
Now when I read it twice in a row, I am beginning to feel disgusted in that nick Tye gave me. Tye said that: "Who knows, it might attract some innocent gals in talking to you." "I am not feeling very good too. So let's sad together."
Finally squeezed a sentence out, but I can already feel droplets of sweat forming on my forehead. Actually I am not in a bad mood, I just wanna follow up her topic that's all. And if she ask for the reason for my feeling down, I can say: "Since you are feeling down, how can I ever be happy?"
I know it sounds mushy, but Tye said: "MUSHINESS IS THE FUNDAMENTAL TO ALL COURTSHIP." And gals are a very weird species, they trust their ears far more than their eyes. So instead of doing 10 things to impress her, why not just say a sentence to move her. "Ok, but you haven't greet me leh."
DAMNIT!.. how can I forget simple manners to gals. To think they call me 'MR COURTEOUS' in school. If this thing ever leaks out in school, I would lose all my female fans.
"Nice to meet you, miss long-hair."
"I've been wishing that she's keeping long hair.
Tye said that: "FlyNDance... hmm.. she would either be long-haired or a desperado, 'COs when gals dance, only 2 parts of them may fly: hair and skirt. So if she doesn't has long hair, that means her skirt flies when she dances, AH-HA!!.. this has a certain sexual hint in it...haha.." "Eh? How you know I got long hair?"
BINGO! Heaven is on my side this time. It goes to prove that she is not a DESPERADO. Yes! "Not only that, I also know you seldom wear skirt."
I increased the stake, if I am correct this time, peace on earth forever. "Err... I guess you are right lor. But how you know one?"
"Just guess."
"Ok lor. Hey slorr, tell you what, me tired liao, you coming online tomorrow morning?"
"Ya, why??"
"Please please please say the you coming too, if not I am going to kill myself for letting you go tonight. I'll see ya tomorrow at 10 am then. Good night."
"Er.. should be today at 10 am.. ok.. good night too."
I just blurted out a last sentence ....Offline.
Suddenly I was so impressed by my performance just now. But is the season of spring really arriving for me?? I wish.
"Slorr, what a coincidence ahh"
"Yeh, I am not late."
"Ya lor, so qiao."
Girls are weird, I thought we already had an arrangement, why do I have to pretend that its not. They must have watched too many movies, and like to think that guys they met due to the thing called 'fate' is the best thing that can happen to their love life.
"Slorr, you talking nonsense lah."
"NONSENSE? Ok, let me tell you what is nonsense. Summer's beach, the guy must be good at running, with broad shoulders, dark complexion with a tint of redness, sparkling eyes and loud laughter. Then he will call out loud the name of the girl, running towards her, carry her and spin 3 rounds anticlockwisely."
"Slorr, you siao liaoz ahh?"
"I siao? Ok, let's change a location then. Deep in the mountains, the guy must have long hair, gotta have the look of an artist, carries a sketching stand, a few pieces of drawings, and you can see birds stop over at his side, admiring his work. And there will be a girl whose the model, most probably naked."
"slorr, but these all very romantic mah."
"ROMANTIC? Hello miss, romance only survive in novels and movies. In real life, the guy on the beach may step onto broken glass or the girl may be too heavy which tore his arm muscles. Birds may just clear their waste on top of the guy in the mountains, or he might get a thrashing from the girl because he comments on the excess fats around the waist and hips."
"Slorr, you hate romance?"
"I hate romance? Nope, I am just using my knowledge of statistics to get a deduction, that guys must be TALL to be romantic, not HANDSOME!!! Some love novels even portrayed the guy as normal looking, but no-one dares to challenge the height of him! I object, because I am not tall."
"-Slorr.... objection overruled..."
I think I am really outstandingly bo liao, talking to her about these until noon.
"Slorr, are you hungry?"
"Ya, you leh?"
"Yes, guess its time for lunch...Slorr.."
"Then do you think we should?"
"Slorr, I am just asking. I don't intend to have lunch with you."
"Ok, good. I am not romantic, neither are you."
I had lunch with Tye, we talk about the conversation with FlyNDance this morning.
"You moron. Told her you are not romantic, you siao ah? You have disgraced me man. How can you make such a big mistake?"
"....I...I..."
Tye grabbed a chicken wing with chopstick, and I can see the trembling of the hand and the wing.
"There are 3 'don'ts' in chasing a girl...
One, don't forget to be romantic;
Two, don't be too honest;
Three, don't be too stingy on the sugar in our speech.
In mandarin, we say 'nan ren bu huai, nu ren bu ai', you should know this."
"This I know, but it has been a controversial topic over centuries. Women aren't really that, cheap"
"So why would they only falls for 'bad guys' like me?"
"That's because 'bad guys' are usually romantic. Those 'nice guys' are usually, dumdums. So she would rather choose a romantic 'bad guy' rather than any of those dumdums. In maths we call this 2C1, understand? dumdum." Oh, Tye is talking about maths! Now I understand. No wonder I have always been left on the shelf.
"In another words, gals wouldn't mind if you are not tall...
if you are not handsome...
they can bear with your inconsiderate acts...
can forget your stupidity...
but they can never forgive if you are not romantic..."
"Come on, this is so exaggerating."
"Hey, most women have a 'knot' for romance, just like most men have a 'knot' for virginity. To women they just can't understand how precious the thin layer of membrane is to men. Same thing, men can't imagine how important women treats romance."
"This is bullshit! How come I've never heard of that."
"The key word is 'knot', if you can untie it, fine. But how many had actually succeeded in that. practically none."
"ok, fine. now I've done it. So what should I do to remedy the situation?"
"Face it. You are hopeless already."I promise you I'll have a drink with you when you and her are over."
You SONOFABITCH.
Midnight.
I am trying to concentrate on my physics notes... F=ma, v=u+at...
It's really a wonder that nature can be explained by just a few formulas and equations, and this we call science. Then why is astrology and palmistry being labelled as superstitions? Science should only be one of the ways to explain truth, what can't be explained by science, it doesn't necessary mean that it's unreal.... Close to 1 am. Since I can't get anything into my head, I shall try my luck on net then, maybe she is there.
"Slorr, you here."
"Finally, good night to you :)"
'FINALLY'? Strange word to use it here. What is she doing here at this hour? Must be feeling down again.
"Yes, it is fate that brought me to you at this moment."
I am trying very hard to convince her that I am a bit romantic.
"Slorr, nothing to do with fate. I waited for you for one hour liaoz..."
"Sure or not? For what?"
"Talk to you mah or else I can't sleep."
"You sick is it? Go see doctor lah :)"
"Slorr, let's continue our topic.
What do you think of relationships that began from the internet?"
Oh my god, how should I answer her now?
"It's... it's very... romantic..."
Indeed I am not a good liar, even my words are shaking now.
"Slorr, you bluffing. You not romantic one mah."
GAME OVER. I am finished! No choice but to drink with Tye.
"Slorr, you lagging? Or just daoing me?"
"No, I am wondering why is the sky so chio tonight?"
"No no no. Don't try to shift the topic, Slorr."
Sigh. I give up. I asked for it myself.
"Actually I think relationships started from cyberspace is considered as ROMANTIC, cos romance gives people an impression of unreal, and cyberspace is virtual."
"Slorr, that's interesting."
"Surfers keep a safe distance from each other and usually 3 types of people are produced in this way.
The first type.... The first type being those who present themselves on net with their 'secondary personality'. Usually all of us consists of multiple personalities, and in everyday life, what we present to the world is the 'primary personality', with the secondary one being suppressed, or maybe we don't even realised this other trait of us deep inside. So internet is the place where this side of us is revealed, both intentionally or without conscious knowledge."
"Is it true? What about 2nd type?"
"The 2nd type are those who will transform themselves into the kind of man/woman he/she would want to be. There's bound to be 1 or 2 characteristics that you particularly admire, too bad, sometimes these characteristics are just couldn't be found in you. Cyberspace is the perfect location for this transformation to occur."
"Slorr, you blowing cow is it? Type 3 leh?"
"I am not blowing cow, I read it from an article of TIMES magazine!
Type 3 will be those who transform themselves into characters which are impossible for them to become in real life. For example, if you are a girl, you may act as a man on net. You may even become BATMAN or SUPERMAN if you want."
"Hmmh.. That's pretty amazing."
"The first type is the 'faithful' type, 'cos its his own personality that is being presented on net. The 2nd type is the 'foolish' type, 'cos he knows only how to admire others, always forgets his own strong points. The 3rd type is the 'pathetic' type, 'cos he is wishing 4 some impossible."
"Slorr, then you belong to what type? Me leh?"
"I don't wish to believe you are type 3, 'cos I am not.
I crossed the possibility of type 1 'cos its too common, because I think you are special. Being able to attract you, I think I am at least a bit special. So we belong to type 2."
"Type 2, then who you wish to become? Slorr.."
I certainly would like to become a person like Tye, humorous, romantic and eloquent, 'cos these are what I am lacking of.
"Slorr, what about me?"
>"you? I don't know. you want to FLY and DANCE, probably that means you wish to fully enjoy your youth while you can. But if this is somethng you wish yet you can't achieve, then there's 2 possibilities: 1, you are aging, 2, you are leaving the world."
I think I said something wrong, cos she didn't sent me anymore message after this. I began to blame myself for being so perverted, why talk about these things? I should have discussed with her whether ZOE or FANN, who should be the queen of Caldecott Hill. Damn that TIMES magazine, poison my mind. Maybe she's lagging. so I waited... and waited. Girl its just a few minutes, but it felt like several hours. I want to apologize, but do not know how to start. until she sent me this message:
"Slorr... let's meet..."
Without hesitation, I used the hand that I had used it over 18 years to wipe my ass, typed 'O-K'. I am supposed to meet FlyNDance tonight , 8pm, at the entrance of McDonalds, the one beside YMCA. That's the best time and place to meet a girl you have never met before, according to Tye, 'cos they would have taken their dinner by that time which means we can simply go inside the Mac and have some fries and coke. She will be wearing a whole set of coffee theme attire and I will be wearing my usual blues, this is our way of identification. she told me she is not those 'cute gals' I may think she is, I said nevermind, I am not Brad-pitt either. then she told me she has long ago given up on this hope already.
"Slorr, you are early."
While I was idling, a girl tapped my shoulders from my back.
Although I was already mentally prepared for anything that's going to appear in front of me, I was still astonished by this girl who stood in front of me now. If not for the coffee theme and that 'Slorr', I would think she is only asking for directions. She is one of those 'chio bu' that can only be found on Orchard Road, which I usually see while crossing the road. Maybe I suffered from a serious concussion due to the heavy blow, my mind was extraordinarily calm.
"Had your dinner right? I think we shall go inside the Mac first."
"You are pretty smart huh? A good way to save money indeed."
AIYA! She knows me so well, I can only give her an innocent smile back.
Since she's so pretty, I ordered 2 LARGE cokes, and even ordered TWO packets of fries.
"This time you treat, next time I'll let you treat."
I am not falling for that, miss. But I am glad she mentioned 'next time'.
"Slorr, are you disappointed when you saw me just now?"
DISSAPPOINTED? Are you drunk?
"Why do you think I will be disappointed then?"
"Cos I told you I am not cute mah, so you must be quite dissappointed when you saw me"
She is making zero-sense, but I know she is just trying to hint that she's actually cute. "Then why did you have to lie that you are not cute?"
"Slorr. I said I am not cute. I didn't say I am not pretty."
#$%$##%^*&%$@!!!
"But you are also quite decent looking what it's not like what you described to me too." 'DECENT'? A very vague word. To many gals, decent=boring. One good thing is that she didn't lie to me about the fact that she is keeping long hair. She also has a fair complexion which reminds me of HL milk I take almost everyday. It is now only that I found out she is from ACJC, but had spent her first 3 mths in AJ. Sitting in front of each other, we talk about many things. From her obsession with coffee to my hobby of watching movies. BTW, she had completely shook off my misconception of 'if she is pretty, she is brainless'. She appears to be an attractive girl, both physically and character wise, talking, smiling to me, occasionally being a little sarcastic and nasty.
It's like a dream.
We left the Mac at around 10 pm. Since it's still early, I decided to send her home and fortunately, it's just Ang Mo Kio, two MRT stops from mine. I would have second thoughts if she's staying at Pasir Ris.
"Slorr, congratulations! You are officially permitted to date me from now on."
She said this before the lift door closed.
Back at home, I realized that I hadn't asked for her real name, maybe it's the influence of that stupid Tye.
Tye told me :
Never ask a pretty girl her name the first time you meet her, cos there are already too many wolves out there dying to know, so she will be more interested in you if you act bochap. Then why didn't she ask for mine? Don't tell me there's a female version of Tye telling her not to? It's again 1 am. Time to meet her in ajcrr.
"Hi! Slorr you tired?"
Of course I am tired after all the surprises she presented me, I would go straight for my bed if not for her. But why is she here also?.
Isn't she tired too?
"Long time no see how are you?"
"Slorr you siao ah? 2 hours only leh... miss me?"
"A)Yes B)Of Course C)Abuden D)Dying to see you E)All of above. Answer is E."
";:)."
Seems like she is really tired, even the smiling face are yawning to me right now.
"You wanna go for a movie tomorrow?"
Maybe I should ask her now, while she is half asleep, hoping that she will blur-blurly click 'OK'. "Should be no problem. What show?."
HOOOOORAY!!. I am cheering for her fatigue.
"We decide what show tomorrow. Anyway what's important is watch with who. Not the show."
Tye's favourite line, I am just borrowing it.
";:)."
"You should go sleep now lah."
"Wait one little while. You haven't tell me you tired or not?"
"Ok lah, A bit. You leh?"
"I am exhausted but have to say good night to you first. Slorr, if not I can't sleep."
"me too."
I can't believe I am doing this SILLY business right now.
"Ok I tell you what I count 1,2,3. Then we log off together."
"ok good night Slorr."
"Same to you"
"1..."
"2..."
"3..."
I never talk whenever I am inside a cinema, and now is the best time for my mouth to rest, so I spent the following 3 hours to admire this much-talked-about movie of the century, Titanic. I am not a romantic person, so it's perfectly understandable if I can't really appreciate this motion picture fully, except for all those stunning special effects. but something struck me when Jack said to Rose before he sank into the deep..... "Rose, listen to me... listen.... winning that ticket was the best thing that had happened to me... it brought me to you....and I am thankful, Rose....I am thankful...." Suddenly I felt much fortunate than Jack, because I don't have to risk my life to board Titanic, all I have to do is to switch on my PC every night. But he's one lucky guy too, because he knows how to draw, and just look at how slowly he was drawing Rose, that made me blame myself for the lack of this talent. But to her, this movie wasn't just about drawings or special effects. I noticed that packet of tissue paper she was holding in her hand. and just when Rose said: "I promise... I will never let go, Jack... i'll never let go.." She opened up her sling bag and here comes the reserve handkerchief. Damn that Celine Dion, why on earth did she had to sing that "MY HEART WILL GO ON" at the end of the show, for all the female species inside the theater, its like "MY TEARS WILL ALSO GO ON".
"Ok, movie ended. Let's go."
I stood up, speak to her gently, worried that every single word I breathe out might just crush onto her, and kill her. she continued to sit on the position, looked at me with her beautiful eyes that just came back from a swim.
After a while, she said "Slorr, movie ended, but life goes on. Am I right?"
I nodded my head. But I just wished somebody might give me some clue of what she was saying. Finally we managed to leave Orchard cineplex, since its still early, we decided to take a walk down the street. Along the way, she seems unusually quiet. So I guess Tye was right about the 'TITANIC FLU', he said that gals often got so mentally distressed after watching this show, and it's the best time to launch an emotional attack on her, that's why Tye had watch Titanic for over 5 times roughly. Her eyes were focussed on the path or the crowds but I know her mind was still left on Titanic, sinking with her, waiting for somebody to pull her up. I just kept my mouth shut. I know I am not a good swimmer. We walked to Plaza Singapura. Suddenly she stopped in front of a Christian Dior counter.
"Slorr, have you read a novel called 'Fragrance'?"
"Err..nope. Why do you ask?"
"Look at this 'DOLCE VITA' from Christian Dior. It's what the guy bought for her girlfriend in the story on her birthday. And he told her 'DOLCE VITA' is French, meaning 'SWEET TIMES'" She pointed to a bottle of perfume at the counter, but I was more interested at the price tag around the neck of the bottle. "Oh... is it?"
"Slorr, then do you consider today as 'sweet times'?"
"At first I do, but some points are deducted since you started crying."
"That means it can only be considered a little bit sweet, I'll buy the small bottle then."
I insisted to pay for the perfume as her birthday present from me since I know her birthday is coming soon, this kind of saves me a lot of trouble of finding a present for her. Luckily it's just perfume, or I would have to pawn my underwear if that guy in the story gives her girlfriend diamond or gold bar.
"Are you hungry? Wanna sit down and have something?"
"I don't have appetite, what about you?"
"You eat, I eat..."
Her eyes are red again. I am such a fool. Finally got away from the noisy crowd at the MRT station, walking on one of the steets of AMK Ave 6. Contrastingly, it's so quiet now that I even can hear the rhythm of her heartbeat."
"Slorr, do you know what's the correct way of applying perfume?"
I shook my head. In fact, I had never used a perfume or cologne before, medicated oil maybe.
"First you apply some behind your ears, then your neck and wrists. After that spray some onto the air, then walk through it."
"Sure or not?"
"In that case this little bottle won't even be able to last you for 3 days"
"Slorr, shall we try?"
"We? You go ahead. I am a MAN."
She opened up that DOLCE VITA, behind her ears, neck then the wrist she applied some and she really did spray some onto the air!! WABIANGZ!! Expensive leh! Finally she stretched out her hands, facing up like enjoying the raindrops fallling on her face.
"Hahaha...."
"Slorr, this is so fun! Now its your turn."
She went through the same procedures with me and I can feel the coldness of her fingers. maybe it's the perfume, I guess.
"Slorr, get ready, I am going to spray!!"
I imitated her. Face up and walked through my first perfume rain.
"Slorr let's have another round!!"
" WHAT!! Serious?"
My money isn't easy to come by leh!! before I can collect the broken pieces of my heart, she had walked through her second round. she was even more excited this time, hoping around, like her nickname. A flying and dancing butterfly. late night of AMK, the streets smells unusually nicer right now. until we finished the whole of that DOLCE VITA.
"DOLCE VITA is exhausted."
"I guess this sweet time shall end now too. Slorr, I'll go up now. Tonight 1 am, I won't be online, and you are not to do so too."
"Huh? But why?"
"Go online at 12pm tomorrow. You will know.... Remember, only 12pm..."
She turned and walked into the lift. At the same time, I saw an obvious pink patch behind her neck, which is visible only now because she tied her hair. I looked up towards her window on the 4th floorfrom below, but it never light up.
I switched off the light in my room. Engulfed in the absolute darkness. I wished to have the same kind of feeling as her right now. I realised in complete darkness, the easiest mood one gets... is loneliness. she must be lonely right now, half asleep. I almost can see a beautiful butterfly, turning to ashes amidst the sea of flame. And that patch behind her neck.. from pink it became red. Then burgundy. Slowly, it swallowed me was it the cause of that can of beer just now? Suddenly I felt cold and shaky. And that coolness seemed to have come straight from my heart, the rate of my heartbeat was an exponential function of time as it got closer to 1 am. USE A DIFFERENT NICK!!
checked ..
She isn't there, my heart was beating fast. But the temperature remained below healthy level....
Finally its 12 pm, excited as I was, logged on the net, yet there was still no sign of FlyNDance. But there's a mail from her :
Dear slorr,
At first I thought it will be easier for me to settle down in the darkness... recollecting memories we have shared... but all I felt was loneliness...... can you feel it too?... I still can't change the habit of logging on at 1am... so I used a different nick to sneak into AJCRR... you don't blame me right?...:P... you werent there... should I feel glad for your obidience?.... you said both of us belonged to TYPE 2... the foolish type...maybe you are right!... 'cos I really do admire those who dares to fight for their desires... I stroke my hair gently when you said that I am leaving the world... and a few strands of hair fell..... No!... doctor told me its not a terminal disease... and doctor aren't supposed to lie!!?... I still can live like a normal person... BUT CAN I?.. FlyNDance... is it really something I wont be able to do?... After the first meeting with you at Mac... I started to realise that you are not only a virtual being living in the cyberspace... in reality you are strong, gentle and sensitive.... I can feel the defense Wall of my heart is slowly breaking apart.... I am defeated... I tied my hair today.. 'cos my fren told me that I look more attractive this way... I want you to remember my face as it is today... 'cos after today... everything may change.... But why didn't you ask for my real name? ..thats why I never asked for urs... I am a girl mah..:P... do you realised how I wish to have something more than a nick to take along with me? ...Slorr... thank you for the DOLCE VITA... finally got a taste of what sweet times are like... but I am really sorry..... I just couldnt bear to say goodbyz..... since it started from a mail.... it should end with a mail too.... Its been 3 months and 2 days since the very first mail... not a very long time but it isn't short either.... our story began from me... and I will end it.. Maybe its what you said... 'internet is fast and convenient, but it isn't perfect'.... I can send you my thoughts right away... but not my tears... Its about 5.30am now.... time to go.... by the time you receive this mail... I would be trying to settle down somewhere else.... I don't know....Good Bye.
With lotsa love, FlyNDance
After reading her mail, I felt as if I had just experienced a roller-coaster ride which almost derailed. she had shown me the other side of her, soft and sensitive. For a couple of months, I was trying to hypnotise myself, to suppress my feelings whenever I started to think about her again. Perpetually I was telling myself, she is just one virtual character that flys and dance in the net, but never in the real world. I became a fugitive, escaping from my PC, escaping from the internet and anythng that has to do wih coffee. Hide myself behind the piles of lecture notes, behind the crowd of people, trying to get rid of this thought of missing something in life. But I failed. I found out that its not that I don't miss her, its just that I had forgotten the passion that always comes along when you are having something hanging on your mind all the time. its like I cannot not breathe, its just that I had forgotten the fact that I have been breathing in and out for the past 19 years. I can hold my breath for a while, but not forever.
I have to find her.
"Err... I am looking for ... er..FlyNDance...."
"HUH??..."
'Huh', this is the exact word I was expecting from her.
She seems to be FlyNDance's elder sister, 20++, looked quite a beauty too even without any makeup. But of course, still can't be compared with her. I explained to her my purpose for knocking on the door and told her that I am no stalker whom she might think I am.
Surprisingly when I told her my disgusting nick, Slorr, she appeared to be rather excited and quickly she scribbled something on a small piece of paper and handed it to me.
"You should go and see her. SGH, Room 3-425."
This is the first time I've ever stepped into the Singapore General Hospital. It's a dust-free space, everything looked so clean, tidy and arranged. But I don't like the feeling it gave me... I entered room 3-425, she was there, in a deep sleep. I stood by her, watching. Her hair was still as long as before, laying across the soft, white pillow... Her face looked roundish now, I know it's the side-effect of the medicine. And the pinkish-red patch that was on her neck had spread to her face appearing in a shape of a butterfly.
Nevertheless, she was still the most beautiful butterfly I've ever seen.
Her eyelashes twitched slightly, she must be dreaming, what's that in her dream?
McDonald's fries and coke? Sinking Titanic? Or the rain at AMK Ave 6? The room was getting darker as the clock approaches 6pm. I wanted to switch on the light. I hate to see her lying lonely under the shadow of a patient's room. But I am worried that her dreams might be disturbed by the sudden light rays. While I was in a dilemma, her eyes opened slowly. Her eyes were wide on me, then she turned away suddenly. I can only see her back at this moment. She lost weight. After a long time, she turned to face me again, rubbed her eyes and smiled....
"Slorr, you are here!"
"Yes, nice weather today, isn't it?"
"Ya lor, sky also very chio today? Right? Heehee.."
SKY VERY CHIO...
I can still remember this was the conversation we had in one of our AJCRR meetings."
But she didn't realized that it's raining today.
"Slorr, why are you standing there. Sit down."
Thanks for reminding me. I just found out that my legs were numbed due to the several hours of standing.
"Slorr, you lost weight."
ME? I thought I should be the one who's telling this to her!?
"Slorr, you hungry? Had your lunch? Food here isn't so good. That's why patients like me always slim down a bit. Apart from that. It's quite ok. But sometimes I feel really bored without a PC here to talk to you.."
"Slorr, how's your mid-year? Sure did very well right?"
WAIT A MINUTE! You are the one who's lying on bed right now not me! Yet, I had nothing to ask her actually. Because I was there to see her, not to find out the answers to those questions. Maybe now its the time for me to utter some touching lines like whats in the case of a movie. But I am not a Romantic person... moreover...
Movies are fiction. Life isn't.
I just wished that she could leave this place as soon as possible back to AMK Ave 6, back to ACJC, back to where she belonged. And I promised she won't be alone anymore, because I will always be there. After a while, her mum was here to see her. Around the age of 50, slightly overweight. Other than the cheerful smile, she didn't really remind me of FlyNDance.
"Err, I think i've gotta go now. Bye bye auntie."
"You....You..."
She sat up straight in a sudden, like if she'd experienced a tremendous shock.
"I'll be here again tomorrow.. and the day after tomorrow... until you leave this place..." Before I went back home, I went to Plaza Singapura again to buy that Christian Dior Dolce Vita... and I've got the biggest bottle this time, that she can even swim in it. I try not to close my eyes that night, I want to go to her as soon as the first sun ray shoots into my room....
"Slorr.. you are here.. i've been waiting for you for a long time..."
"Had a good night's rest?..."
"Oh... I didn't allow myself to fall into a deep sleep because I know you won't wake me up when your here."
"Then you should take a rest now."
"Err, since you are here already, I don't think I can..."
I gave her the Dolce Vita, and we'd agreed that we would dance in the rain in front of SGH main entrance the day she's discharged. I dare not look straight at her, because there's a butterfly on her face. It was only last night before I leave SGH that I found out she's suffering from an illness called ERYSIPELAS. What the clergymen would term the BUTTERFLY DISEASE... But what I like is the coffee butterfly that is able to dance around freely, not that pinkish-red butterfly that settled on her pale complexion. Moreover, whats a butterfly if it can't fly?
"Slorr, why are you looking at me and not talking?"
I don't know, because I noticed that she's getting weaker physically. I had a bad feeling about this.
"Slorr, I am thirsty, can you get me a drink?"
I am not leaving her at this moment. I can still remember a movie about this guy who went all the way to get red bean soup for his girlfriend who's on sickbed and to find her lying silently on the white bedsheet when he came back... never to wake up again...
"Are you trying to get rid of me, like what's in that movie?"
"Slorr, movie is movie, life is life..."
MOVIE? LIFE?....
"But I thought you just had a drink? Anyway, so what can I get for you?"
"Ultimate Ice Blended!!"
This is a hospital leh!! Did she think I can find Coffee Bean everywhere on this island? Like McDonalds, what's more coffee wasn't suitable for her at that time.
"Err... coffee isn't good for health, order something else, ok?
"So you know coffee isn't good for the body too. Then you should cut down on your intake also, ok?" I saw her smile appearing and there's a shine in her eyes. I realised that shes just trying to tell me not to drink too much coffee in the future.
My heart seemed to have suffered from a heavy blow.
This is not good. A taste of pH7 has started to fill my nose. If this is not going to stop, tears might be the next thing that appears in front of her. I recalled the chapter on reservoir and dam in physics textbook. Quickly applied the knowledge on myself. Even if it's just a few droplets.
"Ok, I promise, I'll try my best."
"And try to sleep earlier in the future and don't skip breakfast..."
"It'ss important to you and don't be too obsessed with blue. It makes you look troubled and....." This didn't sound good. It's like giving the final instructions before she... I can't bear to let her continue.
"Ok ok, I'll go get you a drink right away."
"Slorr, is the machine far away? If it is, then its ok, I don't want it anymore."
From my mental calculation, men would take 67 steps while women would take 85 steps to reach the vending machine right at that corner. Plus the time taken to purchase, average would take a total of 1.8 to 2.1 minutes. Not very far.
"Quite near."
"Slorr, come back quick. I don't want to be alone for too long... I hate that feeling."
I didn't answer her. I just increased my pace....
"Eh... its late already... go to sleep..", my mum was nagging at me again.
"Ok ok.... 10 more minutes..."
Until today, FlyNDance had left for more than 2 mths.
I still logged on at 1 am every night, but onto channel DOLCE-VITA which was created by myself, with slorr and FlyNDance being the only 2 nicks inside, for 10 minutes. Although she won't be able to fly and dance in real life anymore, but I still wish that she could continue to do so in the virtual world. Even Tye has given up on me...
"She's gone, why are you still doing this? For what?!!"
Yet, even if that's the case, I can't allow her soul to be left at the corner of loneliness. Because she said she hated the feeling of being alone....
I still remember there was a heavy downpour on that day. When I reached SGH, they told me... A coffee butterfly flew away from her room at around 1 am last night.... After that... I can't remember...
I just knew that I stood at the bus-stop for a whole day and I was all wet because of the rain. even my face. I've been trying hard not to think of her over these 2 months. I've been hoping that her face won't appear in my mind every moment that I breathe, but it's like hoping that the sky isn't blue; the grass isn't green; the stars do not twinkle at night... Basically, I was hoping for something impossible to happen. I can't believe that I am of Type 2, even in real life. Did I cry?.. NO WAY!..
I said it before, I am not a romantic person, and this may be due to the deficiency in the hormones that constitutes emotions. Whenever I had the feeling of pH7, I'll browse through those 'FWDS:jokes...' Attention will then be shifted by those dim-wit, low-class jokes... So now everything is back to the way it was before I met her 9 mths ago.
Tye is still flirting around, and I am still the old decent=dull me. But I've stopped taking coffee and beer.
"Xing ah, is this for you?"
My mum handed me a letter she picked up in the mail box this morning.
I was surprised when I saw 'To:slorr...' written on the envelope.
That's for me I guess. I opened it up, there was a piece of writing inside, and another coffee envelope.
Slorr, I am FlyNDance's sister, I think this is how you are addressing her. I am sorry that I do not know your real name, although we'd met before. When I was packing her stuffs a few days ago, I found this letter with your name and address already written on it. So I posted it to you, because I believe this is what my sister intended to do. Best wishes,
Xiao Wen
The letter was sent 3 days ago, and there was another:'To:slorr...'Followed by my home address written on the coffee envelope. But this handwriting was a lot nicer and the words seemed to be moving swiftly...like in a joyful dance. I have no time to figure out how she has gotten my home address. Did I give her in one of my mails? I tried to control my trembling hands, slowly, I opened up the envelope. I found a photo, and a half of a movie ticket inside. Apart from these, there was a blue letter... with the familiar DOLCE VITA smell on it. The photo showed her, standing on a piece of grassland, wearing the same coffee theme attire on our first meeting at McDonalds. Something was written at the back of it.... Dear slorr, Coffee represents Pisces.. that's me. Blue represents Sagitarius.. that's you. A blue letter inside a coffeee envelope.... know what I mean? :) Seeing me, do you feel like drinking coffee now? Stop drooling! :P FlyNDance
I smiled.... bitterly. The contents of the blue letter is simple:
If I have one more day to live, I want to be your girlfriend.
Do I have one more day? No. Too bad. I can't be your girlfriend... not in this life.
If I have wings, I want to fly down from the paradise just to see you. Do I have wings? No. Sadly. I can never see you again.
If all the water are drawn out of the bath-tub, but it still can't put off the flame of love btw us. Can all the water in a bath-tub be drawn off? Can.
So yes. I LOVE YOU. FlyNDance My chest was torn apart... tears broke through the dam I constructed a long time go in a jiffy. As proud, as emotionless as I was, I can't pull back the salty wetness that's on the whole of my face anymore. She has changed my 'little theory' and gotten back what I'd owed her... tears for 2 months....
Titanic has won 11 awards in the Oscar, including best picture. Yet, Rose wasn't the best actress under that category. So if it's sad in a movie, it may not be so fortunate too in real life. And in reality, should Jack hold on to Rose and 'Never let go?' Maybe he shouldn't be worried about this. 'Cos that beautiful coffee butterfly will continue to fly and dance in his heart..

2005-07-12T09:31:00.000-07:00

was going thru stuff frm last yr trying to dig out my last last sem de sp project.. but instead found a piece of paper which i tink i wrote after her ting.. realli crash my mood again.. derrick i noe u feel bad.. but do u ever noe tat there r other ppl hu r realli more miserable den u?? so wat u haf no1 hu care abt u?? u tink e world would cry for u or stop moving juz bcoz u tink tat u r miserable?? y dun u change urself n call others?? n 1 of those more miserable ppl is mi rite now.. u tink u r a loner?? y not try being mi......
sry to vent my stress on u derrick.. but e world is liddat.. ppl dun give a damn tat u r miserable anot.. n u tok abt dying all tis crap.. so wat u die u tink ppl will shed a tear for ya?? no.. they will juz laugh their ass off saeing u killed urself juz bcoz u r bored.. change ur tinking.. life have more to it den it is now..
it alwae liddat... i noe how to sae ppl.. but nv learn to sae myself.. i wanna change myself too.. but i juz cant...........

tis was wat i wrote.....

I told myself waiting for you wasn't going to be of any use if you won't return..
Why must I spend every minute of my life thinking of you and waiting for you..
If I had known earlier that you don't feel anything for me, everything i do now isn't of any use..
You left me waiting and aching for you in the dark..
Keeping the painful truth from me that you will never be back in my arms again..

The reason why I like to daydream..
Is because you will never know I'm thinking about you..
The reason why I like to be alone..
Is because you will never find out i like you..
The reason why I like to be by your side..
Is because you were the only one that can make me happy..
but tis were all in e past............

2005-07-01T10:52:00.000-07:00

tis wk seem alrite.. feeling kinda e same.. her sch her sch her her.. hai.. no life..... i need to b more busy to not tink of her....... stuff mi with work n more work pls...............

If falling in love with you is wrong.. I never want to be right again....

2005-06-19T08:20:00.000-07:00

todae is father dae.. but i was n am nv in gd term with my dad.. so nuting much.. tis wk i feel kinda better n more ease ard her.. i realli duno my feeling toward her now.. i am realli happy to just b toking or sitting next to her.. do i still like her?? hai.. y am i alwae confuse abt my own feeling?? but even if i still like her wat am i to do?? i dun wanna scared her awae again.. i hope we could just remain as frenz for e time being.. until im clear with my own feeling den sae ba.. im such a bad ass wen come to tis kinda tingy.. wanna find ppl to tok with but hu e hell care abt a loner?? haha.. life sucks for a loner in love............

I should have chosen to love you in silence.. For in silence i would find no rejection..
I should have chosen to love you in your loneliness.. For in your loneliness no one owns you but me..
I should have chosen to do all these.. but i did not that why i have lost you.....

2005-06-04T06:44:00.000-07:00

feel like falling sick soon.. sian.. 1st wk of sch soso lah.. but damn tired having sch n e SIT club stuff.. hai.. haha.. gd ting i finsh prince of tennis tat i borrow frm jiaxing.. not bad a anime.. now watching naruto.. lolx.. my wallet still no news.. i tink gone forever liao lah.. mayb its for de best lah.. she still look e same to mi.. hai.. forget her ba deming.....

Rejection hurts.. But silence hurts even more..

2005-05-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

sian lah.. lost my wallet todae.. left it in e lab den no more liao.. sian.. grand total abt 150 buck of cash n tings is gone.. money gone can earn back lah.. but e ting she gave mi is gone forever.. e real few ting tat she actually gave mi.. but i lost it.... how careless can i get.. tis time she aint there to help mi keep my wallet like before.. wish u were here by my side.. dreaming again.....

The one you love may not treat you good.. The one that treat you good may not be the one you love..

2005-05-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

hihi.. back after so long.. coz of e orientation.. haha.. realli fun tat few dae.. even though my class was abit quite but they were a fun bunch of ppl.. haha.. finale was great!! haha.. all e "nipja" did their best.. haha.. nice to noe all e ppl frm e diff course thruout tis ting.. thx ppl for e joy happiness n oso sadness we share durin tis time.. SIT club is n will alwae be a big family tat i will alwae cherish n nv 4get..
hao ba.. juz some msg to those ppl of MIT0518 :
since fate brought u guys together.. learn to cherish every1 ard u.. the OGLs onli helped u to get along.. e rest of it is up to u all to keep ur frenzship going.. learn to work with n get along with each other.. coz these ppl maybe ur 2nd family for e next 3 yrs.. even though mi n ur lives onli met for those 3 days.. i hope u all will rem mi as a frenz n look mi up wenever u nid ani help in sch.. thx for e packet of super ring u all gave mi ar.. haha.. next time treat u all back.. haha.. ok ba.. c u guys ard sch.. ciao..

Alway smile cause you never know if there is anyone out there falling in love with that smile of yours..

2005-05-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

haha.. just got back not long ago again.. haha.. now everydae rech home late sia.. somemore early go sch.. wth.. so tired.. well at least im busy with ting to do.. haha.. well got back my result todae.. well ytd lah.. got A for my c programing math n DE.. B for IAD n data comm.. n a C+ for my french sia.. haha.. pretty surprise realli.. coz i believe i wun do tat well during tat period of time.. well.. not bad lah.. lucky guy.. haha..trail run todae not realli tat gd too.. but tried to help as much as possible lah.. given tat unkown injured feet of mine.. haha.. seriously i realli dun rem hurting my feet or anyting lor.. it juz start hurting a few dae ago n till now it still hurts lor.. haha.. shld go n c doc soon liao..

2005-05-03T08:43:00.000-07:00

I can't forget her.. I won't forget her.. For she is the sweetest and nicest thing that ever happened to me.. I am happy as long as she is happy too.. No matter how she treat me.. My feeling for her will never change no matter what happen.. Even till the day that I pass away..

2005-04-28T09:26:00.000-07:00

yoyo.. planning part of e orientation have finally come veri near to an end.. been to sch everydae for e wk to do just e proposal.. didnt realli help out much.. but its nice to have fun with those ppl there.. haha.. i wanna keep myself busy in aniwae just not to tink of her.. but it seem tat it not working at all.. haha.. as there someting abt a gal in MIT tat remind mi of her.. it not like im falling for tat gal or someting.. it just tat i will rem her everytime i see tat gal.. n e ting tat happened.. no matter how hard i try to hide it.. e pain is still there..

I like the feeling of being alone.. But i don't like to be lonely..

2005-04-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

hi ppl.. just got back from camp eagle.. pretty fine.. but got abit too much workout liao.. now hurting all over.. haha.. met some new frenz.. cool bunch of ppl.. haha.. n ya.. got darker liao.. oh wth.. haha.. i dun care least aniwae.. cant realli sleep well tat 2 nite.. gonna get some sleep soon.. haha.. hai.. y izzit i cant get over e fact of her is together with him.. i hate this kinda ting man.. give up deming!! wake up!! like this gonna help.. hhahaha..

I'll never fall in love again.. Because love hurt..

2005-04-14T10:08:00.000-07:00

hi.. have not been online for quite awhile.. coz my modem was down..den got a new 1 todae.. pretty cool all black.. like my com.. haha.. oh ya.. holidae started leh.. haha.. gaming all e wae.. haha.. well got nuting better to do leh......
y did i fall for an angel?? who is like e star so high up in e sky.. which i noe i could never reach no matter how hard i try.. i really wish for your happiness with him.. but my heart still tell mi otherwise.. y aint i e 1st 1 to have met u?? y did i fall for u even wen i noe u got him?? i blame myself for falling for u.. which make u suffer so much.. im sorry for all i did which hurt u.. but i miss e wae we were last sem.. i miss toking to u online.. i miss e time i send u hm.. i miss smsing u..
i miss u..
sorry for all those carp.. i need someone to knock so senses into mi.. wake mi up from tis madness.. i cant forget her.......

2005-03-22T06:52:00.000-08:00

yo.. been down on luck tis month sia.. well 1stly was my eye.. n now there r stone found in my kidney!! lolx.. dont tink i kidding man.. but its true.. even not tat serious yet but last sun my right kidney was hurting like nut.. so i wenta c doc on mon.. n craply they fix my appiontment to see specialist on april fool.. man i tot its a joke or sumting.. den wen i got to sch.. damn my kidney was so eager to be cut off.. den wenta tths er.. waited like siao den finally got a injection.. damn tat place sia.. wait for f***ing long lor.. well now pain only come sometime.. but gotta tonnes of painkiller with mi.. now still needa wait to april fool to go see doc again.. but having test on tat dae somemore.. wtf lor.. how unlucky can i be.. hai.. life sucks!!!

2005-03-13T06:36:00.000-08:00

haha.. ya.. still got a forest out there.. but i tot she was e only tree i need.. haha.. seem like i guess wrong again.. i cant keep her out of my head.. my head is full of her.. even when she is avoiding n ignoring mi.. haha.. im sure a loser.. time doesnt seem to help mi forget her.. but make mi realise how much i wish for her to be mine.. haha.. i still got lot of questions i wan to ask her.. but seem like i will nv get ani of e ans.. my back dont seem to b healing.. now even my eye too is against mi.. haha.. life suck...

2005-03-04T07:32:00.000-08:00

hi.. lolx.. nv update oso got complian de ar?? haha.. okok.. here to update.. pretty down this few wk.. mostly bcoz of her.. though i noe i have to give up on her.. but e feeling is alwae still there.. i hate to stay at home nowadae.. everytime tot anihow fly.. i wish i could just waste my life awae.. get it over n done with my crappy 17 yr of life.. but man are alwae too coward to take their own life.. it take a real deal of courage to do tat.. so im just a coward.. a sissy a pussy watever u call it.. but thank to those dude n gal in claz.. u r all e colour in my life now.. hanging out with ya take alot out of my head.. realli a big thank.. we should do more sport ya.. even my back still hurting.. haha.. hope its nuting big.. i will try n update more ba..

2005-02-13T07:27:00.000-08:00

hehe.. so long nv post huh.. CNY not bad lah.. but sch starting tml nv study anything at all.. common test e wk after lor.. sian.. nvm.. 1 wk should be enough (i hope).. anyway tml valentine dae hor.. wish all e couple happy valentine.. those with no1 to celebrate.. nvm lah.. still got chance.. haha.. well hope to post more later.. ciao bye..

2005-02-06T04:46:00.000-08:00

yo.. back.. mia for quite long.. juz finish FMA 51 episodes.. lolx.. took about 1 n a 1/2 dae.. nice show.. but ending aint that gd.. nvm.. veri good liao.. haha.. aniwae got a new com in e hse.. no need share with my sis liao.. haha.. CNY coming ppl so enjoy hor.. some more mi now 1 wk study wk.. lolx.. still need to study.. sian.. nvm lah.. cya..

2005-02-02T06:10:00.000-08:00

this morning i might have hurt her with the messages i sent her.. but it hurt me even more to have said that to her.. i was very angry with myself.. for those things i should not have done.. and those i did not do.. i think she is the first girl i cried for.. she said that we are just good friend.. and it is all my fault to have fallen for her.. while reading kailin blog just now.. i read this line.. "wads urs will b urs. wads not urs, no matter wad u do, it will nva b urs." maybe she is never meant to be mine.. i'm giving all hope on her.. she is just too far for me to reach.. so bye..

the worst way to be missing a person is to be sitting beside her and knowing she will never be yours....

2005-01-29T09:10:00.000-08:00

i really suck at this kinda thing.. my mind now is fill with question about her.. n i cant get any ans to any of them.. yet im having french test on mon.. hai.. life is good where it come to toturing one's mind..

2005-01-28T21:50:00.000-08:00

xin tong.. tou tong.. i realli duno where tis path is leading mi.. i hope it is to her.. im just a good frenz.. but cant i become part of her life?? hai.. love is nv easy...

2005-01-24T18:01:00.000-08:00

yo.. was back from malaysia.. n went to sch ytd.. the trip wasnt too bad lah.. not saeing all those mosquitoes bite n chewing incident tat is.. (im not fit to be a thief sia.. :p) haha.. aniwae fallen sick again.. flu n sore throat.. hai.. my body not as strong as b4 liao.. some more my headache happen everynite sia.. so zhun de lor.. like timer liddat reminding to go sleep.. lolx.. post more other time lah.. gotta get ready for sch liao.. bye..

2005-01-17T17:44:00.000-08:00

well well.. here to post something.. school fine.. life fine.. well not considering that common test is being pull forward to just one week after e chinese year new that is.. and i have a french homework to be pass up next monday and i have not touch any of it.. somemore i'll be going to malaysia for a short holiday this friday to sunday.. hai.. well hope it's not so bad..
as for her.. well still sending her home everyday.. but i never know where we're be getting.. whenever i ask her about us.. she would avoid it or just keep quiet about it.. nevertheless i still like her.. but as for her bf part i not sure.. hai.. let it be ba.. things should turn out right..

2005-01-15T07:28:00.000-08:00

ok.. decided to change back to blogger ba.. so paiseh ppl must change ya link again.. lolx.. e background still black lah.. still exploring lah.. may change e colour.. haha.. but e background music ar.. from X Japan - Tears.. haha.. veri nice.. lolx..

2005-01-15T01:30:00.000-08:00

hey.. trying new blog.. give mi ur comment ok?? den i decide to use this 1 or e 1 at xanga ok..